ATTENTION

I have moved to

fiveonesix.net!!!

I'm a little late- its 2011 and I finally understand "Girl Power".

Now, I'm kind of weird. A bold, and some might say obvious statement- I know.  I have very set "beliefs" on listening to, falling in love with, and staying in love with a piece of music. I know there are more serious things out there in the world to worry about but I've never quite understood those people who claim to love all music. How does that work? How do you have the time? Frankly, I feel like saying you love all music would be like saying you love every cashier in a  grocery store, and every other random person you may have met once. Strange.

I listen to something and if I like it I listen to it until I think I might love it. When I think I might love an album I listen to it until I know every intricate detail, every nuance in the songs. Then, and only then can I say I love an album.  I don't believe in saying you love something after one listen, just like I'd find someone crazy for saying they love someone after a first date! I have a very specific way I stay in love with music. A catchy tune may pique my interest but it's lyrics that keep my interest. For those who have seen the romcom "Music and Lyrics" (don't know if I'd recommend it by the way, Hugh Grant is always lovely in that handsome, British, pasty shar-pei way and Drew Barrymore is as always irritating as all get out), Drew Barrymore's character details that people can basically be categorized in two ways:  music people or lyric people. The way Barrymore's character describes lyrics in music is absolutely perfect:

"A melody is like seeing someone for the first time. The physical attraction. Sex. But then, as you get to know the person, that's the lyrics. Their story. Who they are underneath. It's the combination of the two that makes it magical."

I fell in love with Brand New's debut "Your Favourite Weapon" (and every subsequent album after that) because for the first time I thought that someone understood how I felt. Brand New introduced so many artists to me, Taking Back Sunday, Jimmy Eat World, The Get up Kids, and the list of what I loved in High School could go on. My teen angst was perfectly understood on every level by the men that wrote the lyrics to the songs I listened to. I didn't even wonder how men could possibly know how I felt as a girl, I just knew that they totally got it, man. 

Up until very recently, I could say without hesitation that I simply didn't care to listen to/wouldn't like an album by a female musician. When someone would try and recommend an album to me and mention that there were female members in the band I would instantly dismiss the recommendation with a look of disgust on my face. My reasoning for not liking female musicians is simple, not because I'm a traitor to my own sex. Not because I hate women. Not because I believe a woman's place is in the kitchen and not on stage. But simply because I love lyrics, and I had never been able to relate to lyrics written by another woman.

I know it was close minded of me, but except for (and she is always the exception to everything because she is absolutely flawless, a goddess) Rilo Kiley's Jenny Lewis (and her subsequent solo work), I couldn't stand music written by women. During high school this is what was thought of as a female "musician":

Uh. Not very inspiring right? I was supposed to relate to these women simply because we all had the same downstairs business and were around the same age? I think not! I had nothing in common with any of them, these women did not speak for me! They worried about being more "punk" than the other girls in school, making a point that they were s00o0o much cooler than the other girls, whereas I was far deeper than that! (NOTE: If it wasn't obvious, I was pretty much a complete tool in High School)

A few years later, still listening to Brand New and thinking that Jesse Lacey knew me better than I knew myself, there was a new batch of females to lead the pack of inspiring young women to be all they could be:

I couldn't tell you the difference between any of the women pictured to the right if it wasn't for the help of the great Google. All of these singer/songwriter types are completely indiscernible to me. Formula: Woman + Guitar or Piano= #1 music video on VH1/#1 song on Billboard's Adult Contemporary chart. 

I pretty much lost hope. I didn't really care that most examples of women in modern music were completely uninspiring. I was content to have Jenny Lewis be the only female member of the boys' club that was my iTunes library.

In the past year my music taste has changed quite a bit. I still listen to my very loved albums, but have been introduced to a wide variety of new music. I've been pleasantly surprised to find myself really enjoying a lot of music by/featuring female musicians.

The women that have recently been inducted to the formerly exclusive club and now get to hang out with Jenny Lewis and the amazing men in my music collection:

Best Coast: Not only is their music fun and catchy, and so different than anything else I listen to, front woman Bethany Cosentino is so relatable. I'll use this tweet as an example of why I love her: "I think about Mac and cheese about 80% of the day".

The Dead Weather: 

This band has everything I like in a band and Alison Mosshart is simply a bonus instead of a turn off for me. Though I really like Jack White there are certain songs I can't imagine anyone but Mosshart singing ("Jawbreaker"). God, she's so bad ass.

And if I could only be half as cool as these women: 

Florence Welch of Florence and the Machine, Karen Elson (not just a supermodel, her debut album is VERY good), Amanda Valdez of Fierce Creatures, or Victoria Legrand of Beach House, I'd be totally satisfied with life.

The past year of music has been so eye (ear?) opening for me and knocked down so many walls I had built up with preconceived notions. Thank goodness for there finally being relatable, brilliant, unique and talented female musicians for making me believe in "Girl Power" like its 1997 and I'm playing Posh Spice on the playground.


image credits: all weheartit, edited by me.

All the Single Ladies: A Short Guide to the 4 Types of Attractive Men You Will Meet.

As a twenty-four year old unmarried, reasonably okay looking female, I've gained A LOT of insight on men. This is partially because I have a lot of male friends, and partially because I've dated/had a crush on/kissed the main "types" of men. I realized recently that attractive men can, for the most part, be categorized into 4 groups. Here's my unprofessional, unbiased (for the most part, I tried to be objective in the descriptions), and uncensored (well, not really. I censor my writing far more than my mouth) guide to "The 4 Types of Attractive Men You Will Meet". & As an added bonus- a soundtrack! You're welcome.

The "Cute" Boy:

He's well-dressed, baby-faced, and seems very naive. You'll be drawn to him because he seems so different than your usual type. You might be drawn to his innocence, or drawn to him with the secret thought of "corrupting" him. 

Pros: He'll be adorable, have old-fashioned ideas of romance, and treat you like a lady. Did I mention that goddamn, the boy knows how to dress?

Cons: He not only seems naive, but actually is. His hopeless romanticism will be irritating in contrast to your cynicism. You'll be the heartbreaker in this situation.

How It Ended Up For Me: He was incredibly good-looking and sweet. There was a laundry list of reasons I knew it wouldn't work out, but the nail in the coffin was when he said "poddy" in reference to the bathroom. I can deal with naive, I can sort of deal with… ahem… uh… "innocence", but can't deal with baby talk. I've seen him since and have wondered why I didn't, for his sake, just tell him never, EVER, under any circumstances to say things like that to a girl you're trying to date. I'm pretty sure (or optimistic) that he's probably matured and gotten a little jaded since we ended and wouldn't baby talk anyone. 

Cue This: "Everything with You" - The Pains of Being Pure at Heart & "You Know I'm no Good" - Amy Winehouse

The "Hot" Guy:

He's sexy. Everything he does, from his flippant attitude toward womankind to his walk = sexy. You'll melt in that disgusting middle-school-esque way when he's nice to you. And men think women aren't visually stimulated? HAH. This guy, well, you'll be thinking about all of the unspeakable things you'd like to do to him. I mean… you'll think about going on a nice date with him… (I get nervous and back out of writing how I actually talk because who knows who the hell is reading this and there's nothing more embarrassing than having something foul you've said quoted back to you. Not that I know anything about that.)

Pros: Everybody likes having something nice to look at. That's why people pay to go to museums, right?

Cons: He loves the chase. You are not interesting to him because you're not running, not playing hide & seek, you're on the ground- melted in a puddle. Also, he's probably an asshole. Just saying.

How It Ended Up For Me: I've never actually dated a guy like this. Have just known a few over the years. First guy I met that was like this- 8th grade. He's the same height he was at 14, has a receding hairline and is yes, still an asshole. There's at least a little justice in the world. 

Cue This: "Jawbreaker" - The Dead Weather & "Tighten Up" - The Black Keys

The Handsome Man:

He's handsome in an old-fashioned kind of way. He probably has a really great speaking voice, and a fantastic head of hair. He's nice to all of your friends, he's intelligent, polite to servers at restaurants, holds the door open for you, and always at least tries to pay the check/tab. He's just the right amount of cynical. You'll spend your time shortly after meeting him thinking of the unspeakable things you'd like to do to him… after you're in a committed relationship of course, because this one is a "keeper".

Pros: The Disney-prince hair, and you'll be able to perfectly describe him to your friends as "Don Draper-esque" or "Mr. Big-esque". (If I even had any male readers I definitely just turned them off with the SATC reference, if the title of this entry already hadn't sent 'em packing). He seems wonderful, you're cautiously optimistic.

Cons: He has an airplane hangar full of baggage. Really. No one is this perfect.

How it Ended Up For Me: I'll keep it short and to the point with this old saying: "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is". I've had the most fun with this type, and still hold out hope that I could make it work with this sort of guy, but wonder if combined we just don't have enough room for all the baggage and cynicism we both bring to the table.

Cue This: "Portions for Foxes" - Rilo Kiley & "Crazy for You" - Best Coast

And last, but certainly not least, the biggest threat to happy, semi-normal single women…

The Guy That is Really Attractive for no Obvious Reason:

He's not jaw-dropping handsome. He doesn't really have any of the attributes you're normally attracted to (physically or personality-wise). He has an interesting sense of style though. And great taste in music. He is socially awkward sometimes to the point where YOU blush with embarrassment over something he says the first time meeting your friends. He reads. He smells good. He has really strange mannerisms. He will make you laugh, then cringe. He doesn't know how to answer text messages, but then says something brilliantly flirty the next time you see him in person. 

Pros: He'll keep you on your toes. You won't be instantly and unhealthily attached at the beginning as you might normally be, because you'll keep having flashbacks of the off-putting things he does. Did I mention he's a good flirt?

Cons: He knows EXACTLY what he's doing, really. He's keeping you guessing and keeping you interested, and because he seems so genuine he'll be able to bow out unscathed when he thinks you're getting too attached. 

How It Ended Up For Me:

I'm still confused. And he's still pulling more ass than 10 single men combined.

Cue This: "The Difference Between Us" - The Dead Weather & "Pretty Babies" - Karen Elson

As I've been thinking about the idea for this post the past week or so, and taking notes when I thought of something I'd like to use, I've tried to avoid categorizing all of the men that I know, but I can't help it.

There are pros and cons to every person you meet. At some point someone has at least mentally compiled a list of pros/cons about YOU. I wrote this because I found it interesting. I did NOT write this to bash men in any way. I love men. You smell good. You're useful. You're interesting. Women and men just need to find the person that has more on the "pros" list than the "cons", and hold on to that. 

NOTE: Thanks so much to my male friends, exes, crushes and random men for meeting me and giving me something to think about this past week/write about at 2AM. If you think I'm talking about you- I might be. Or you might be really full of yourself. Your choice.

credits: all photos from weheartit, edited by me.

Your Parents Lied to You: Adult life is EXACTLY like Middle School.

Your parents, teachers, other miscellaneous adults just LOVE to tell you when you're a kid that none of the petty things people put you through in Middle School will matter when you're an adult- it'll all be different. I've learned in the past 7 months that that simply isn't true. 

Life is one big Middle School. You've still got the cliques. The mean girls. The popular girl. The popular guy. The bad kids. The one kid that tries too hard to fit in. The struggles are still there- who am I? Where am I going? What do I want to be when I grow up?

Of course, a little has changed. I've found that as much as I prefer having male friends, the harshest critics and pettiest, cattiest little bitches- are men. In the adult world, some men just don't seem to grow up. 

People are still snobs, but in a different way. Instead of mocking someone for not having the coolest looking Jansport or Vans, mean boys/girls mock what someone drives, who someone dates. 

The coolest kid isn't judged so much by if they have the best snacks in their sack lunch but if they eat healthy. Just for the record: hummus, pita chips, salads, protein shakes = socially acceptable. Frozen food/fast food= "EW what are you eating?! OMG". 

In the adult version of Middle School, instead of being a tattletale and complaining of bullies to faculty, we decide to do the adult thing and confront the bully straight away. Very adult, and mature right? Immediately after the adult moment we are reverted back to 8th grade when our bully then accuses us of being a "baby" or a "bitch" for having the nerve to say someone's action bothered us. Sigh. So much for progress!

In writing this, I am not saying I am not guilty of the multitude of things that bother me in this so-called "Adult World" I am in. I cannot resist a good gossip. I still giggle like it's 7th grade and the star football player said "hi" to me, when I see an attractive guy. And on the other side of the spectrum, I still sometimes feel pretty shitty about who I am due to someone else's actions/words. Despite all the progress I've made, I still feel left out sometimes.

What I've learned is that though we may never truly escape Middle School, we can try and separate ourselves from it as much as possible. From now on I'll choose wisely about who I spend time with outside of "school". I won't bother with confrontation, as it makes no difference and is a waste of breath. I'll find positive ways to deal with my "bullies". I will try my best to resist the cattiness and the gossip (admittedly, this is a hard one. Did you hear what so-and-so did on Saturday night?! OMG). I know that I can't not be hurt by people's words sometimes, but I can try my best to avoid those toxic people and when I can't to let it roll off of my shoulders. Because really, at the end of the day, I am so much better than the bullshit. And everyone else should be too.

You can't escape Middle School, but you sure as hell don't have to participate in the activities. So here's to tomorrow, and being an adult. Really.

Everyday I wake up, I choose love, I choose light.
& I try, it's too easy just to fall apart.

An Education: The difference between confidence and faux-confidence, how can we learn from assholes?

I've often found myself saying "It's the way he carries himself", when explaining why I find a man attractive. And more often than not, it's not so much an explanation but a justification. The conversation typically goes something like this:

Me: He's so good looking!
Person: Uh… but he isn't really good looking/is a douchebag/is the biggest whore I've ever met/treats you like crap.
Me: Well, I can see why you might say that… but there's just something about him. It's the way he carries himself.
Person: Like a cocky/narcissistic/douchebag/asshole?
Me: Um…

A lot can be said about the way a man carries himself. I've made many a mistake in having affection for a man just because I was inexplicably drawn to him because of the way he "carried" himself. I've even found myself being drawn to other females for friendship for the same reason.

I get drawn in, completely intrigued by the way someone speaks, walks, interacts with such distinct confidence I become intoxicated by them. I feel that I HAVE to be around them. Insert some cliche analogy having to do with magnetism, here.

I imagine that an analyst would say that I am drawn to these types of people, addicted to these types of personalities, because I so wish I had the same air of confidence myself.

That'd be a good first guess without the last pertinent part of information-

Out of the men I've had crushes on, been infatuated with, dated because of their air of confidence, I've found most of them are completely full of it.

Most of these people had what I refer to (and I'm sure many people use this term) as "Ugly Duckling Syndrome". These men (and the women I've occasionally befriended for similar reasons) usually grew up unattractive/unnoticed/unappreciated and then suddenly bloomed into attractive/talented/rich & other attention grabbing "types" of things. I frankly, don't care to analyze them further, because I get it- it makes sense. Now that you're attractive on the outside, you still feel ugly on the inside and seek your self worth through using women, treating people terribly etc.

The point of this post isn't to "call out" those people that are full of faux confidence.

What I've been wondering is how can I channel this air of confidence, but without being a complete asshole? What is it about these people that draws you in, and how can I use this power positively? Has anyone ever used it positively? Well, yes. IN personal experience, one person has. He might be the only man in the history of the earth to do so.

One time I did meet someone that I was drawn to because of their self-confidence, their brashness, their basic "not concerned with others' opinions attitude". Come to find out, it wasn't all a front and that person truly IS intriguing because of their demeanor, confidence. He doesn't use his confidence to manipulate or for personal gain. He just IS confident. (This is the perfect example of the old- "exception not the rule!" rule. MOST people you will meet like this, at least in my experience end up being complete messes).

And I suppose that really brings to light the difference between confidence and faux confidence. A truly confident person would believe in themselves enough, like themselves enough to know that who they are as a person is enough to get people to like them. A faux confident person, studies and rehearses all the right moves to appear confident for personal gain.

QUESTIONS:
How can we harness these powers of confidence for good and not use them for evil? Will women ever stop being attracted to men for the way "he carries himself" and start being attracted to men for their actions? Can a person change from a posturing, manipulative bastard to a truly self-assured normal man?

ANSWERS:
To be continued. Though really, I've learned my lesson with people like the ones described above. Really. And it only took me twenty-four years to do so.




This rambling entry inspired by the film, An Education, a film proving women have been really silly at times with their choices in men since before my doomed generation.

PS- Is it just me or does Carey Mulligan seem perpetually watery-eyed during the film? Annoying.